Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
