Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
