I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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