i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
