I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
