there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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