someone threw a dead crab at me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
