Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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