just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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