You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize