i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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