when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!