PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother