you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
