Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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