i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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