Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
