I wish my penis had an off switch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Randomize
