dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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