yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Having a random hookup so left but love u
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
