Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
