Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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