wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
