quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
