My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We had to coat check the pizza.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
