You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
