Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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