Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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