I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
