I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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