DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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