I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
