I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
