Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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