So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
