I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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