If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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