This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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