I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
