Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
