who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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