the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
