we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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