I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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