I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
