What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
