My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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