It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
