I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
