ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
