So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
