He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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