Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
