So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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