I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
