I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
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