The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
