there was a trapeze. enough said
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
