Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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